Remember Me
by tonyamic10
Summary: An epiphany at the cliff stops Bella from making a huge mistake. Her change of heart will end up forgotten. Unknown forces are at work to change her destiny. Evil has a way of infecting those it touches. Bella's downward spiral is only just beginning. She needs Jacob to heal, without him she'll lose every last ray of hope. (full summary inside) [AU, Jacob/Bella] *on hiatus*
1. Chapter 1

_**~A/N New fic, long-time idea. I wanted to write a one shot based on "What Hurts the Most" since I first saw a fan video on YouTube. I didn't even write fanfic back then. One shots and me don't go together so great, so this will be a multi-chapter instead. I'm normally not a country music girl, but I'm using lots of Rascal Flatts tunes as prompts to work this story out. It sets my mood. I'll post song suggestions as they apply. This is Tragedy/Angst for a reason, not for the faint of heart. I love taking points in canon and slightly tweaking decisions, so I can watch the chips fall where they may.**_

 _ **"Nothing Like This" by Rascal Flatts**_

 _ **Urban Rose worked out the best banner in the world. She captured this story with all her attention to detail. I'm still amazed.**_

 **Summary:** An epiphany at the cliff stops Bella from making a huge mistake. Her change of heart will end up forgotten. Unknown forces are at work to change her destiny. Evil has a way of infecting those it touches. Bella's downward spiral is only just beginning. She needs Jacob to heal, without him she'll lose every last ray of hope. Guidance appears from unlikely sources. Is she strong enough to pull herself out of the dark place she dwells in order to rise up and actually save the day? [AU, Jacob/Bella]

 **Disclaimer:** _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

 **Remember Me**

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Prologue: Crossroads

Bella stopped just shy of the edge. Was it really what she wanted? She'd heard _him_ several times and it never gave her the closure she was seeking.

She thought back to the past week with Jacob. He was going through so much and yet he was still mostly concerned with her well-being.

 _You're a selfish brat._ She told herself. She used and abused him for months. She was doing it again. He'd asked her to wait on cliff diving. The water below didn't look at all inviting. The sea was angry and furious. One part of her still thought it was an easy solution. She wished it would swallow her whole and she could finally vanish from her miserable existence.

Bella shifted her eyes upward. There was one sliver of light filtering through the thick clouds. Was it a sign? That's what Jacob was... a light in her otherwise dark world. She said it way back in the beginning, _I like this Jacob Black_. There was just something about him that brought her happiness even when she was in the pits of despair.

 _He_ left, the one whose name she refused to utter. Jacob was there everyday, keeping her company, listening attentively even when she was speechless. Now, he was a protector. He could even defend her against monsters that plagued her for some reason.

Victoria was pure evil and vengeance filled, why couldn't she just leave? It seemed unreal an insignificant human could be her sole focus in the world. She needed to trust the pack. They had proven themselves with Laurent. Jacob would be pissed if he realized she was wandering around in the open. She hadn't even left him a message and she promised him she'd stay out of harm's way.

He deserved better than broken promises, half truths and a few splintered shards of her heart. Bella needed to find a way to be whole again and then she could be worthy. Even attempting to be whole, she sounded pathetic. She wanted to be the friend he needed and then maybe, just maybe more could grow from that. She knew it was his true desire. Was it possibly hers as well and she'd been too blind to realize?

She was ready to turn her back on her blatant stupidity, step away from the cliff, and forget conjuring Edward for the last time. Thunder roared overhead, lightning streaked across the sky. A storm had come out of the atmosphere in a blink of the eye. Rain pelleted her face, she twisted but her feet got caught underneath her. It only took one tiny slip on the rocky ground. She didn't even have the opportunity to scream out. Her body was being hurled with great force to the water below. Fear and confusion swept through her. She was numb before her body broke the surface. Pain didn't register.

Bella fought back but the rip currents were far more powerful than a simple human girl could overcome. She was no match for nature's fury. She whispered in her mind. "I'm sorry Dad, forgive me Mom. I love you both."

Just before darkness overtook her, she saw Jacob's face, heard his laughter, felt his warmth. Almost certain death made her face her feelings. It was true... she loved him too but she'd never get to tell him the truth.

Suddenly, her arms were pulled over her head and air filled her lungs once again. Wait, was it only a vision or was he real? Jacob came for her. They had a second chance after all.

* * *

Bella coughed and gagged until volumes of burning saltwater came up and out past her lips onto the sand underneath her.

"Bella, where's Jake?"

She heard several loud voices at once.

"She's alright. Of course, she's unscathed."

The voices got louder until fingers tightly gripped her shoulders and shook her.

"Bella, where the fuck is Jacob?"

First, she repeated _Jacob_ , then she realized it was Embry man-handling her which was completely out of character for him.

She slowly sat up to find members of the pack going in and out of the water. It seemed like they were searching for something. Sam came back again. "Tell me everything."

"I... I was here, I mean up there. It was dumb but I was curious about cliff diving. The weather, I don't remember but maybe I slipped."

"He went in after you. You saw him, right?"

"I think so, someone grabbed me. I'm here on the beach, so yeah Jacob's fine."

Sam looked out at the waves. Paul was making his way back to shore looking completely ragged. His scowl caused her to tremble even more than the chilly temperature. He continued to hate her without ceasing.

Sam approached him. They had words. Embry and Jared were bringing up the rear. All four men were drenched and exhausted. She had no idea how much time had passed since the fall.

Paul yelled back, "You did this, leechlover. It's all on you!" The others looked to be in full agreement with Paul even though no one else spoke up.

Sam helped her off the ground. "I don't understand. Why can't you all find Jacob? I told you he brought me ashore. He's perfectly fine. Where is he though?"

Sam looked grim and his words brought her back to her knees. Her entire body was consumed with great pain and agony. Her legs couldn't even hold her up. "That was me. I pulled you out. No one has seen Jacob since he went into the ocean."

 _ **~Thanks for reading.**_


	2. Chapter 1:Breaking

_**~Excited by the responses.**_

Chapter 1: Breaking

Bella's throat already hurt from swallowing all that salty water, but she screamed it raw yelling for Jacob. She got in as far as her ankles before Sam pulled her back.

"Enough. I can't spare another wolf to go out and rescue your ass. I'm already stretched far too thin. Do you even know how this stunt of yours came at the worst possible time? Seth Clearwater is about to phase, Harry is being rushed to the ER. Old Quil just called and revealed Quil broke a bunch of shit and is now burning with fever. I've already sent for Emily to take you to the hospital and I have to send Jared with you because my mate isn't safe in your presence."

She heard all the terrible things Sam was saying. He usually only gave her disapproving looks but he was beyond furious. She knew a lot of it was fear. It looked bad, but Bella knew there was an explanation.

She couldn't focus on anything but the fact Jacob was missing. She wasn't going to jump. Well, technically at first she was. She went there to jump, but she changed her mind for Jake. Why did she have to go out there at all? No one would ever believe her story.

Emily came up behind her and gave her a sympathetic look. "Come on, Bella. Let's get you checked out. Charlie's already at the hospital."

"Wait, I can't leave until I see that Jacob's fine. Can I borrow your phone?" She left hers at home, that's how thoughtless and careless she was.

Bella called Charlie. His voice was shaky, "Bells, I can't talk right now. There's been an emergency."

"Don't hang up. I'm sorry about Harry, but I'm involved in my own emergency and we need your help."

"What? Where are you? Are you okay?"

She gave him a brief synopsis of what had occurred. "Please, can you come or send some guys... I don't know, call the fire department or the Coast Guard. It's been almost an hour."

Her father breathed heavily into the phone. He said he would put in the calls necessary and as soon as he could get a quick update on Harry, he'd get Billy. They'd be there as soon as possible but he wanted her to let Emily bring her to the hospital immediately. If she briefly lost consciousness, she really needed to be seen by a doctor.

"Are you sure about bringing Billy?"

"Yes, this is his son we're talking about. I can't keep him in the dark." Bella might have been thinking of herself again. She just didn't think she had the strength to face Jacob's father. What would he think about her? She knew she had disappointed him ever since she moved there.

Emily kept encouraging her to leave, but she refused. Embry kept going back in the water, but he looked like he was about to collapse. Sam sent Paul back to check on Seth already. He needed Embry to go to Quil's. They were arguing about it until Sam made it an order.

"You aren't going to the hospital?" Emily asked again.

"No, not unless my dad makes me."

A piercing howl rang out minutes later. Sam told Emily to go home. He said he and Jared had to go. "Stay out of the water Bella. I can't help you again."

* * *

That was it. They all left her. None of the emergency personnel had arrived yet. It was just Bella staring out at the breaking waves again. He got out of the water. She knew he did. Jacob wasn't a regular person. She knew he could fight the waves. Sam was right, she was no match for that surf. Bella wasn't going to chance it because when Jacob came out of hiding, she wanted to be in plain sight waiting for him.

She walked close to the water and had a seat. In the distance, she heard sirens. She occasionally had to wipe the spray from her cheeks. Bella closed her eyes and tried to make it all go away briefly. If she could only open them back up and see his smiling face in front of her, she would never let him go.

Bella thought about her vision in the water. Sam might have rescued her but she was certain, she did come in contact with Jacob. He had a hold on her before she blacked out. Something else came to her. It was a flash of color before the darkness. A fiery orange-red wave floated past her.

She opened her eyes and screamed. A paramedic rushed to her side. Bella was starting to have a full blown panic attack. She fought back, but something was happening to her. No one listened. Bella tried to tell them. They strapped her to a gurney and put her in the back of an ambulance. She soon felt a sharp stick and stinging in her arm. Her mind became foggy, but they needed to know. Her last coherent speech was, "Tell Sam… it was Victoria. She was there."

* * *

Cold. Bella was extremely chilled. An annoying beep wouldn't stop sounding in her left ear. She was asleep, but not at home. Where was she?

"Bells."

"Jake."

"Honey, it's Dad. You're okay. They've been keeping you sedated but your lungs are clear and there's no head injury."

"Where's Jacob?"

Charlie looked away.

"Dad, how long has it been? They found him, didn't they? Tell me."

He took a little bit before he spoke up but her father said it was the next day and the answer was no. "I'm sorry, Kid, but at this point it doesn't look good. They are changing the rescue mission in about twelve hours to a recovery one."

"Recovery? What does that mean?"

"Bella, you were out there. There was a storm. The surf was too damn rough. Rip currents are powerful and unyielding. We're fortunate all you other kids were able to get out. I'm sorry, but we have to be realistic. The Coast Guard will be searching for his body but there are no guarantees. I hate to think of my friend not even having the opportunity to give his only boy a proper burial. The days ahead will be grim, but Harry pulled through. That's one bit of good news. The doctors were able to perform surgery."

Bella heard her father talking, but his words weren't completely registering.

He took her hand and held it between both of his. She'd never noticed her father's hands. They were strong, but kind. Was that even a thing...kind hands? He looked like he hadn't slept in days.

She started shaking her head vigorously.

"We'll get through this... somehow. I'm here for you."

Her head moved faster, and tears fell from her eyes. "No, no, no Dad. That's not what happened. Jacob did not drown. He is not dead!"

"Of course, we still hold out some hope but you need to face facts, Bells."

"No, I refuse. He's alive. Jacob is still alive and I'm going to find him."

"You are not going anywhere near that damn ocean again, do you hear me Isabella Marie? "

Bella found the strength to sit up. She was going to get out of the bed and get dressed. Charlie grabbed onto her. He hugged her tightly and she sobbed into his shoulder.

"Jacob's not dead. He can't be."

"Bells...I'm so sorry."

"No, I mean it. He's not...I still can feel him."

 _ **~Thanks for reading.**_

 _ **So yeah, now you know why I made Celebrations. I think I'll have to go back and forth between these. Also, I almost have some Decadence ready to post. Reviews are sweet gifts and they fuel my muse, so pretty please. I need to know if you're hanging on by a thread. Please, stick with me.**_


	3. Chapter 2:Why?

_**~A/N For this one, take a deep breath or sip tall drink of an adult beverage, whichever you require before starting. I'm getting several, "I don't know if I can read if..." All I can say is, trust me and I will take you on an emotional journey. If that's not what you're down for then I understand.**_

 _ **Urban Rose made a beautiful banner for this chapter.**_

 _ **My song inspiration is Rascal Flatts again, "Why?" It's deeply moving and depressing about suicide actually, but it helped set the tone I needed to write this particular chapter. Listen if you are up for it.**_

 _May the stars carry your sadness away, may the flowers fill your heart with beauty, may hope forever wipe away your tears, and, above all, may silence make you strong. -_ **Chief Dan George**

Chapter 2: Why?

She was finally sleeping for once when Charlie barged in her room.

"You're still asleep?"

She grumbled. "That obvious, huh?"

"Well, get up. The memorial is in less than two hours."

She knew her father was going to try and get her to go but she'd already decided against it. "No thanks. I won't be a party to such a mockery."

"I'd hardly call paying our last respects 'a mockery.' Jacob was your best friend."

She corrected, "Is. Jake is my best friend so why should I pretend to go along with a whole group of people that gave up on him? None of you will listen. He's not dead!"

"Bells, it's been two weeks. I admired your faith in the beginning but it's no longer healthy. Billy happens to be _my_ best friend so you and I both will go today and show our support for what has to be the hardest day of a parent's life… burying one of their children."

"Stop right there Dad. We all know that casket is empty. Jacob's body was never found."

Charlie tried to recount the statistics and all the bullshit laid out by the Coast Guard. She wasn't listening to it again.

"Get out. Leave me alone."

She never talked to her father in such ways except for the last week or so when she could no longer hold back. Bella recovered quickly, but that was only physically speaking. She was out of the hospital in 24 hours. She developed a slight respiratory infection from swallowing seawater. She also had a bruised foot from how she landed but other than that she was deemed perfect. Of course, she'd never be perfect again until she located Jacob.

Bella came up with every plausible scenario there was, including he might be hiding on purpose just to teach her valuable lesson for being so careless. After the fifth day, she figured no way was he that ruthless. He wouldn't hurt his family and friends to prove a point to her. She would take her truck and drive endless paths around the reservation, some weren't even actual roads. Sam put a stop to that. He supposedly barred her from the reservation while his pack was in mourning. She doubted that asshole had such authority.

The pack hated, no they loathed her. Seth and Quil phased the day Jacob went missing. Surprisingly, so had Leah, Seth's sister. Bella didn't understand any of what was going on regarding those circumstances. Quil and Embry had once been close with Bella but neither could stand the sight of her currently. No one spoke to her other than telling her to leave and never come back. She was literally on her own if Victoria came hunting again.

That was the most likely scenario. Victoria had Jake. She was in the water. Bella remembered before they sedated her. Sam listened to the possibility but he couldn't buy that a leech would keep a wolf. Either Jacob would take her down or she'd kill him to save herself.

Bella hadn't been back to school either. Charlie put his foot down and said Monday morning he was dropping her off come hell or high water. Fine, he could leave her. It didn't mean she had to stay.

She wasn't in a mood to argue any further, nor did she have the strength. Bella was emotionally spent. She just couldn't believe as the rest of them. Something in the back of her mind nagged at her constantly. Jacob came to her each and every night in a dream or vision asking her to find him. She tried but nothing worked. He had vanished.

Charlie brought in a simple white dress and tossed it across her bed. What in the world? It might be something she'd wear on a date or a picnic. Her mind did something unexpected.

 _She saw bare feet with a frilly hemline floating just above her ankles. Jacob was standing in front of Billy wearing baggy khaki pants rolled up to his muscular calves and a loose button up shirt that was unbuttoned just enough to be casual and extremely sexy. He extended his hand and her fingers joined with his._

Bella gasped and a chill ran through her.

Her father was trying to get her attention. "Bella, did you hear me?"

"What? No, that's not mine. I can't wear that. It's a funeral... remember?"

"I know, but this request is from Billy. He wants all the young people to wear white instead of black because Jacob was so young and such a pure soul. I think it's a beautiful sentiment."

"You bought this?" She was shocked if that was so.

Charlie said she wouldn't talk to him, so he asked Angela when she dropped off a casserole from her mother.

"Nice girl, Bells. I'm surprised you two never hang out very often."

"Angela actually bought this for me?"

"Yes, I only asked if she had something you could borrow since I thought you looked close to the same size but she insisted on buying it. She said she saw it in a shop and it'd be perfect for you. I agree. It's very pretty. Jacob would have loved it."

"Please don't, Dad."

"I'm sorry. I'll be downstairs but hurry I want to be early in case Billy needs me."

Bella took a fast shower with her hair pinned up. She didn't have time to use the blow dryer and it wasn't even dirty. She slipped on the dress after she put on her underwear. Her fingers held up the delicate fabric and for another minute, she imagined his fingers touching the dress while she wore it. Again, she was startled at how real her imagination could be. Warmth surrounded her briefly.

Bella didn't want to mess with makeup. Jake was used to her natural look but she had terrible dark circles under her eyes. She dabbed concealer on and powdered her cheeks. There was no need to add any eye makeup. The occasion was sure to wash all that away.

* * *

Charlie slightly smiled when he saw her. He added she looked nice. They got in the cruiser. Bella held her eyes closed the majority of the way. Anything that blocked out the reality of the day helped. Not really, but it kept her from completely losing it.

Bella still thought something else was going on. She had no way of proving it. The more she discussed having a feeling or some mystical connection, the closer she was to being committed. Charlie had brought up a doctor. He'd also mentioned Florida. She knew neither option would work. Bella couldn't be honest with any shrink out there. She'd been in a relationship with a vampire and he left. Her mind and spirit broke. Jacob helped her heal.

 _By the way, he shifts into a wolf to protect me from the very creatures I was so enamored with._

Now, he was missing. Jacob left her too, not the same way Edward did. No doctors and definitely no Renee. Besides, how would Bella ever find Jacob if she moved back to her mother's?

The crowd was huge even though they were almost an hour early. Charlie told her another request of Billy's early that week. He said most of Jacob's friends were bringing something to place in the casket. Obviously, Jacob wasn't in there so the funeral home director suggested it to Billy. It was a common occurrence in those situations. It could be anything: a letter, a picture or a trinket that meant something. She had no idea what the pack was putting inside but Bella brought a toy motorcycle. It was super cheap and tiny. Jacob had gotten it out of one of those fifty cent bubblegum type machines. She was hoping for a bouncy ball, but when the motorcycle popped out, he winked and told her it suited their friendship much better. She missed his smile and his dorky sense of humor so much. How had she not realized how much she'd been smiling when she was around him? She kept saying the hole was still there and that it would never close, but that wasn't true. She knew that now and Bella was aware of what really being torn apart felt like.

Bella's questions were somewhat answered as she watched from her corner of the room. Quil had a video game clutched in his hands. She couldn't see the title but was pretty sure it was _Call of Duty._ Embry had a football, worn and weather from hours of being tossed around. She could see flecks of sand still sticking to the surface. Sam carried a picture that Emily had taken during one of their many chow downs at her table. She didn't know what everyone else had, but Bella couldn't observe any other transactions. When the grim looking man approached her to see if she had something to contribute, she totally backed out. Nope, she wasn't letting go of that motorcycle. She reached in her bag, dug out a crumpled slip of paper and wrote out some words. She folded the note four times and then tapped the man on the back of his stiff suit.

"Here, you can add this."

"Even a letter with your sincerest apologies won't undo what you've done."

Bella turned around to see Paul Lahote towering over her.

"Screw you," she wiped at her eyes.

"I'm just saying nothing else but that would be even remotely appropriate." Bella was close to giving him a true piece of her mind. She wasn't afraid of him any longer.

"Jacob didn't even like you."

"We were brothers, you were the only thing that caused our conflicts."

"Yeah right," she replied sarcastically.

"Forget it, Babe. She's not worth it."

Bella was confused. Paul actually had a girlfriend? She thought he had a different girl each night according to Jake. She stared at the exotic beauty in front of her. There was something vaguely familiar around her dark eyes.

Billy interrupted, "That's enough Rachel don't let him influence you in everything. This was an accident, not at all Bella's fault."

Jacob's sister. Bella looked all around until she spotted another woman with very similar features. Rebecca was also present. Of course, his twin sisters would be there. However, why in the heck was Rachel calling Paul, Babe? She was definitely with him. They were practically fused together at the hip.

Paul and Rachel turned their backs on her and Billy. He shook his head, "It's sudden. I'm still trying to get used to it too."

Bella thought it was super weird that Jacob's sister would come for a funeral and make a random love connection with the likes of Paul.

"You look lovely Bella. I'm glad you're here. It means more than you know."

Seeing him overwhelmed her. Bella leaned over and hugged his neck tightly. She couldn't let go nor could she hold back the tears that she'd managed to control for almost three days straight.

The stiff man, not a great title, but it's all she could think of interrupted her special moment.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Black, but it's time to get started. Mr. Ateara is leading with a special prayer, correct?"

Bella and Billy looked to the front and saw Quil's grandfather studying a paper. He was wearing reading glasses and supporting himself with an intricately carved wooden cane. She recalled Jacob saying he carved pieces sometimes. It was a skill he'd been taught from his father. It was actually passed down for several generations. She wasn't sure how many exactly. Bella begged to see one of his carvings but he told her he wasn't good enough yet.

* * *

She didn't understand the words in the prayer but they were beautiful. Bella was transfixed hearing the old man speak, but she still felt like a traitor for being there and hearing those words about death, but also being moved by them. If only, she didn't understand the rest of the solemn occasion. Just being there was sad, but watching and listening was the worst thing she'd ever experienced. It was a traditional Quileute funeral, but towards the end, the director offered anyone else in attendance wanted the opportunity to speak.

Minutes ticked by and Bella felt relief that it was almost over, but then Quil stood up.

Leave it to that total goofball to speak the most eloquent, heartfelt tribute in memory of his friend. He practically brought the entire room to their knees. One by one, pack members stood up and gave personal accounts of times together with Jacob and how much they'd miss him. Bella felt her chest tighten each time a new person walked up there. Her father got up as well. She shook her head slightly. Doubt grew that she'd be able to endure another word.

His teary eyes looked to the bronze casket, to the large portrait on the easel of a smiling, very much alive Jacob and then to the back row where she sat all alone.

"I remember the week Sarah and Billy brought Jacob home from the hospital. I wasn't sure about visiting. I didn't want to intrude, but Billy insisted I celebrate the arrival of his son." Charlie glanced over at Rebecca and Rachel. "No, offense, he loved you girls more than anything, but most dads put a lot a stock in having at least one son. He was bursting with pride and joy. I could tell Jacob was a special kid early on. There was just something about him. He always seemed happy too. Kid had a way of lighting up a room."

She felt herself having to tune out some of his speech. It was too damn emotional. Bella didn't know her father was capable of such things.

"A couple of years passed, my daughter was visiting and we all watched the two of them toddle around the sand cooperatively making something special for us grown-ups. Billy knew how much I missed Bells. He'd heard me whine about it each and every time we drank a few too many. I said, 'You're a lucky man, my friend. I guess Bella's the only one I'll ever have and I'll see less and less or her after she starts school this year.' Billy told me something that afternoon that always stuck. He told me not to lose hope, maybe one day, I'd have Bells back under my roof again, and that for the time she wasn't, I was more than welcome to think of his kids as mine too because he and I were brothers at heart."

Charlie turned directly to Billy, they were both crying freely. It took him a minute to finish but he said he couldn't imagine what he and the twins were going through. He said he hated they were all suffering, but at least they all had the memories and the chance to know such a great human being.

"He touched so many of us, and I'll never be able to thank him for what he did for _my child._ I hope he knew how much it meant to me."

Her father stepped off the platform and knelt down in front of Billy's wheelchair. They grasped their hands tightly together. Charlie didn't say it too loud, but she still heard him, "Thanks for sharing your son with me. I loved him and I love you too, brother."

Billy leaned over and the lifetime friends shared the rest of their words privately. If anyone wasn't crying in the room, she didn't notice them. Even the director from the funeral home seemed moved and choked up when he asked if there was anyone else in the crowd that wanted to say something.

She felt several pairs of eyes on her. A true best friend would make the effort but Bella couldn't will her feet to move. What would she say anyway that hadn't already been said? Jacob lived a charmed life up until that day at the cliffs. He was remarkable. She mentally pounded her traitorous thoughts. _Is, he is_. All she had to offer was that entire cryfest had been in vain. They should have all gone out on another search mission instead. Jacob wasn't dead. The casket was full of pictures, notes and personal effects, not him. Why was she the only one that believed that way?

Bella had never felt more lonely. Her head stayed down to make sure no one called on her. There was some music being played after the parting announcements about the family's appreciation and the invitation to the Clearwater's for a reception immediately following. Bella looked up and realized the song was being led by none other than Sam Uley. Quil, Embry, Seth and Jared all had some types of instruments that were interwoven in their heritage, but it was Sam that was singing the funeral chant. More Quileute words, so beautiful and so unexpected. They were such a unique group of people. Jacob said his tribe was pretty private, but she was witnessing one of their most sacred traditions. She felt so undeserving to be in their presence.

Charlie insisted she go to the Clearwater's but as soon as he was occupied with Harry and others, Bella exited the back door. She got as much distance as she could from the house but was careful not to wander so far she'd end up lost. She didn't want anymore attention drawn to her.

She found a place to sit and reflect on everything. Bella pulled out the toy motorcycle. She was glad she kept it. He might not ever see the note, but she knew exactly what it said.

 **This isn't true. I don't know how to find you, Jacob. Can you please find me instead. I'm waiting… as long as it takes.**

 _ **~Thanks for reading.**_


	4. Chapter 3: What Hurts the Most

_**~Yes, I'm still writing this, but it's tough going at the moment. I barely have energy for two stories right now instead of my five. :/**_

 _ **Song inspiration is chapter title, Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most" Such a great song for Jacob and Bella no matter what.**_

Ch 3: What Hurts the Most

She was overcome by exhaustion and emotion, and dreading going back inside. Maybe her father was ready to leave. She heard a twig break nearby. Bella froze for a second. Victoria? That would be a fantastic end to the awful day, but what if? A glimmer of hope surrounded her. _Jacob._

Bella jumped up and braved the noise maker. Her curiosity got the best of her. She'd give anything for it to be Jacob.

"Hello, is anybody there?"

No answer at first. Maybe she wasn't that brave after all, since she was shaking like a leaf.

Finally, he stepped out of the shadows. A young Quileute boy, looking way older than he was, tentatively approached.

Seth.

"Hi Bella. I'm Seth. Mom told me to find you. Your dad wanted you to eat."

"No thanks, I'm not hungry."

He looked leery, like he wasn't sure if he should leave or talk to her.

"Wait, Seth. Thanks. How'd you know where I was?"

He pointed to his nose. "Still getting used to that."

"Oh yeah. I bet."

"Well, since you went to all the trouble, I guess I might walk back."

Bella could tell Seth was a nice kid. He had pleasant way about him. He kinda reminded her of someone else.

They had almost made it back when Quil, Embry and Sam blocked the path.

"What are you trying to pull, Bella?"

"Nothing Embry. I was just seeing her back. Charlie's looking for her." Seth actually came to her defense. She smiled at him and it felt strange, since it had been so long.

"Seth, go on patrol. I told you to stay out of this."

He was quick to obey. Sam started in. She'd heard it all before. There was no reason for her to come back to La Push. Blah, blah, blah.

"Guess what? I'm not in your pack. I don't have to take orders from you. Billy says I'm still welcome. Sue and Harry are my dad's friends, I can come here anytime I want. Believe me, I will because I'm not done searching."

Sam held his hand up, "Stop, not again. My pack is already torn to bits. They don't need to hear your delusions. I heard Charlie is recommending psychiatric care. I concur. Hopefully, they'll keep you for an extended stay. Honestly, Bella I don't hate you and I know you didn't mean for this to happen but none of our lives have been right since you came to town."

She knew what he was implicating. She was a source of bad luck and brought danger and death upon the region. Maybe she should run far away, but she couldn't leave. She promised Jake in her dreams, she wasn't abandoning him. Bella would figure out a way not to cross paths with the pack. She made it as far as the porch at Sue's, but she could hear all the activity inside. So many people still remained, it might go on for hours. She knew about a trail in the other direction. Jacob had shown it to her on one of their hikes.

* * *

Darkness surrounded her. Even though she was in an unfamiliar surrounding, Bella remembered right away where she was. She squeezed the softness beneath her head and breathed deeply. It was the only comfort she'd felt in two weeks. Nothing Charlie said or the service she recently attended did one thing to make her feel better about losing Jacob. Being in his room was so surreal. She wished there was a way to stay forever.

A gentle tapping made her aware that she was an intruder and there was no way she could stay. She basically broke in. His window wasn't locked but the front door was.

"Bella, can I come in?"

She sat up and wiped the sleep from her eyes. "Yes, Billy." He wheeled himself in, the light from the hall illuminated the bedroom. She started to apologize, but he held up his hand.

"None of that. You're welcome in my home anytime, day or night. We were all just a little worried until young Seth noticed your scent on the trail over. Charlie said you could stay the night if you want. He didn't want to disturb you since he said you're rarely sleeping. However, I was concerned that someone said you never ate. I have tons of food in my fridge now. Sue packed up all the leftovers. Please, a have a plate. I can't have you getting sick, child. My heart can't take anymore sadness."

Billy was guilting her big time and it worked. The thought of eating still sounded less than desirable, but she swore her stomach was consuming itself by then, that she didn't even feel hunger pangs.

"Okay, I'll eat something and I'd like to stay if it doesn't bother you."

He insisted he was happy she was there, that Rachel had gone off with Paul. He didn't seem happy at all with that new relationship. She and Billy sat at the table. She did her best to eat and make him feel better. He offered bits of wisdom now and then. He told her no two people grieve the same and he understood. "Don't let anyone else convince you that any of this was your fault. Also, I know you're a little peeved at me for giving up. I didn't want to. I still don't see how it's possible my son is not in this world with me any longer, but all efforts were exhausted. It just hurt too much to keep hoping only to be disappointed over and over. I won't judge you if you extend me the same courtesy."

Bella jumped up and hugged him. She cried and so did he. Billy had no choice but to try and accept what happened and move on. She would continue her search in private and hope that one day she could bring the light back to his eyes. It felt nice to know, she had a place to come to that was neutral ground. Not only did she feel close to Jacob, but she felt accepted.

* * *

School.

She had been a zombie at school most of Senior year. Her grades suffered after Edward's abandonment. She had brought them all back up, now they meant nothing to her. Charlie drove her the first day, but by the end of the week she was trusted with her truck again.

She found excuses to leave class in the beginning that were legit, but eventually Bella said, "fuck it." She didn't want to be there. By Thursday, she was only present for morning attendance and then she was outta there. She drove to the reservation to continue her search for clues.

Bella crossed out some places she'd previously covered on a makeshift map she had created. It was primitive and sloppy but got the job done. She was getting better and better with her sense of direction and lay of the land.

She decided to leave him a clue just in case he was wandering, confused and lost. He'd still know her scent. She found a hollowed portion in a large fir tree. At first, she was going to only leave the toy motorcycle, but she needed to leave him a stronger clue. Bella pulled off her flannel and wrapped it up like a nest. She place it within the tree and sat the toy in the middle. It was a sign only the two of them would recognize. It was deep within the tree so she didn't worry about the elements getting to it. Bella walked down to a nearby stream which opened up into a wide mouth pond. She reached down and touched the chilled water. She remembered. They'd been to various streams and creeks that branched off the river, but it was that spot where he taught her to skip a rock. Once, she got it to bounce three times. His skill overshadowed her insignificant three. Bella got so frustrated, she couldn't keep count of his skips half the time. She accused his luck with skipping rocks having something to do with the wolf, but he denied it. "I've been doing it long before the wolf, Bells. It's all in the wrist, it's not about brute strength."

Bella crouched down and found a smooth stone. She tossed it across the water to witness it sink with a resounding thud. She didn't get one bounce off it. "I need you Jake. I forgot how." Bella gave up after a disappointing afternoon. School was already out and she wanted to keep up appearances that she actually attended. However, being so close to the Black's had been a huge temptation. She swore she needed a hit off his sheets again. That was her new gig and perhaps the only place she ever got some actual sleep.

Bella only meant to lay there thirty minutes or so but she fell asleep. She woke up to raised voices.

"No, Billy. You're wrong. Enough is enough, she can't keep getting away with this shit." Her name followed. "Isabella Marie, get your ass out here."

She left Jacob's bed with great reluctance. Her father was fuming. The damn school had called him. Not only was she grounded and losing her truck again, he told her she couldn't come back to Billy's until they consulted with a psychologist.

Bella was defiant. She was sick of Charlie not attempting to understand her feelings. He told her to get in the cruiser, that one of the boys would eventually bring the truck home, not that she'd be driving it anyways.

She tried to open the back door but it was locked. He and Billy were watching her, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm just playing the part. I'm under arrest, aren't I?"

She had never never seen her father so angry. He told her to sit in the front seat, buckle up and not say another damn word. He stayed on the porch talking to Billy for a few more minutes. Jacob's father nodded but he looked towards her with great sympathy. Just when she thought her life couldn't get any more miserable, her father was going to prove her wrong.

* * *

He took her to school early the next day. He had a meeting with the principal. She was supposed to join them eventually but they needed to talk about her before they talked with her. Bella was sitting in a scratchy chair against the wall. It was normally reserved for the troublemakers and misfits of Forks High. She saw various messages etched in the wall.

 **Screw you, Greene.**

Bella giggled. Not very original, but at least someone had some guts. She realized she wasn't alone. A boy was two chairs down awaiting sentence, same as her. Bella didn't know him, but she knew of him. Doug French. He was the resident pothead and her father hated his entire family with a passion. She'd heard his war on drugs speech several times and it always came back to the name, French.

"That's mine, in case you're wondering," he bragged about his tag.

He told her if she looked under the seats, there was much better material. She didn't. She'd take his word for it.

"So, can't say I've ever seen you in here Miss Swan. What happened? Are you a victim of bullying or something?"

"Nope, I've been skipping class."

"The hell you say." He stood up despite the frowning secretary watching them. He moved to the seat next to her. He took a closer look. "Damn, girl. How old are you? Do you ever sleep? Your bags have an overnight bag under each eye."

"Thanks and no, I don't sleep much these days."

They sat there a few more minutes, not really having anything else to make conversation about. He finally broke the silence, "Do you wanna?"

"What?"

"Sleep."

She shrugged.

He leaned in, she could smell his tobacco laden breath. "I've got something guaranteed to make you sleep like a baby. You'll be a new woman by tomorrow."

He motioned to his pocket. Everything in her screamed, "No!" The old Bella would never consider what Doug French was offering, but she didn't even know where that old self was or if she ever could find her again. Sleep sounded good when nothing else did, so her hand covertly slipped into his jacket pocket. She grabbed the small plastic bag and transferred it into her pocket. He had the biggest smile on his lips.

"Friends?"

"Sure, why not?" Bella replied.

He whispered too close to her ear, "Friends take care of each other, come see me again next time you're tired."

 _ **~Thanks for reading.**_


	5. Chapter 4: Strange Predicaments

_**Copyright disclaimer: Twilight and all recognizable characters are sole property of Stephenie Meyer.**_

 _ **Listening suggestion: Rascal Flatts "Come Wake Me Up"**_

Chapter 4: Strange Predicaments

"Bella, I asked you a question. Did you do your homework for our session?"

"Sorry, I didn't have time. Too much real homework, senior year's really busy."

Dr. Hartz actually rolled her eyes seeing straight through Bella's bullshit. She kept forgetting Charlie was updating her before their sessions. He probably told her all about missing school days and failing grades. She wrote a few notes in her little book. "Did you take something before you got here? You don't look so great."

"Gee thanks, Charlie pays you the big bucks and you insult me. Hmmm... take something? I'm not sure what you mean by that?"

"Bella, if you aren't going to be honest with me. How am I ever going to help you? I wasn't insulting you, but your eyes are glassy and bloodshot. Also, you look extremely tired. It wastes both our time if you aren't going to be coherent for our sessions. Your father has kept me apprised of the situation at home. He told me about the young man you've been spending time with, the drugs, the drinking, the smoking. Please stop me if I'm leaving out any other self-destructive behaviors. You're being safe, I hope."

That got a reaction out of her like nothing else. "I'm not screwing around."

"Okay, I'm glad to hear that since you're not in the best frame of mind. Tell me a little more about that. Charlie says you've become close with this boy he doesn't care for. I've heard his side of the story, but I haven't heard from you. Is this a potential relationship?"

* * *

Bella clammed up again. It was true she spent a few weeks under Doug's wing. That was definitely over and it was never a relationship. Charlie flipped like she knew he would the first time he realized who she was with recently. He also forced her to take a piss test and ransacked her room. He got rid of the last few pills and pot she had. She wasn't about to go back to Doug for anything else. She had acquired a fake ID from him and lucked out it was by missed Charlie's inspection. She might possibly grab some booze over the weekend to help with sleeping again. Whatever Doug provided her with in the beginning worked miracles. She slept like the dead, but then she stayed hungover most mornings. Her cop dad quickly caught on. Bella was a lightweight.

She tried a few different remedies Doug offered up. He helped her forget her pain, but it was always temporary. Bella was dependent on him, not like addict dependent. It hadn't been that long and she wasn't delving into hard drugs like the therapist or Charlie was imagining. She just wanted an escape and that's why she needed Doug or so she thought. Why did Doug have to turn out to be a real shithead and ruin everything? He mistook her new alliance with him and tried to make a move on her the last time they were together. He probably assumed she was high enough not to care or resist, but his hand in the wrong place and his mouth descending on her made her completely lose her mind.

She fought him like he was a would be rapist or maybe one of those supernatural beings that someone as unlucky as she knew existed. Bella swung punches, kicked, hurled obscenities. No one was allowed to make advances like that on her and she meant absolutely no one.

He backed away, wide-eyed, mind blown, "What the hell is wrong with you? Shit, I heard rumors that you were crazy, guess it was all true." His older brother was there to give him the 'I told you so' speech. They didn't need a cop's daughter hanging around. She was probably a narc. Bella didn't need to be thrown out, she left happily on her own. He lived miles away from her house. He yelled out into the night, "You're the most fucked up person I ever met, Bella and that's saying a lot. My whole family is fucked."

Bella kept walking until headlights blinded her. A voice cut through the night, "Get in, you crazy bitch."

She looked at the driver after recognizing the voice. "No thanks, I'll walk."

Leah cut her off, and yelled at her again. "I'd happily run you over, but my parents would never forgive me. Get in the damn car." Bella got in. Something about Leah Clearwater scared her even though she tried to appear way tougher than the previous version of herself. She sat with her head down and her hands in her lap.

"This..." Leah waved her hand to that side in a figure eight pattern. "This is what had Black so twisted in knots... a stupid, selfish twit. Damn shame and you're still letting him down."

"Screw you. You weren't even around." Bella guessed the others had filled her in. "Don't you all think Jake's dead, so how is it possible, I'm letting him down?"

Leah spouted off various responses to Bella. She said her people believed it was sacred to honor the memory of those that had crossed over. She told her she'd done nothing but trample on Jacob's memory.

Bella got pretty defensive since she was the only one that still held out hope for his survival and return. It was true, she'd been a little less organized since hanging around Doug but all of that was about to change. She didn't say much more to Leah, not even thank you for getting her home before Charlie sent out a search party. She would've been walking half the night if Leah hadn't stopped for her.

* * *

Bella sat in silence long enough, thinking about that one question she was prepared to answer honestly to Dr. Hartz. The shrink was a real pain and didn't mind sitting the entire hour in silence if that's how Bella chose to act. "No, I'm not hanging out with Doug anymore. He was never a potential relationship."

"Okay, I appreciate your honesty. Now we're getting somewhere. Tell me more about that. Is it because it's too soon after Jacob or because he's bad news like your father believes?"

"It's not that it's too soon, it's just there can't be anyone else but Jake. He's still out there. I never told him before how I felt, but when I find him, he's going to know. We aren't going to have anything or anyone standing in our way, not a real person or even a memory... living or dead."

Her therapist wrote even faster after hearing Bella's most open confessions since starting therapy. She put her pen down and took a deep breath. "Bella, you can't hang onto this fantasy forever. It's natural to wish and hope you could have done something differently but staying stuck, never moving on, never accepting the truth isn't healthy. This is what your father worries about, it's why he brought you here. Sure, he's concerned about the acting out and lack of respect, but that's not what scares him the most. This time, please, read through the questions I provided and try to attempt some of the coping methods I've suggested. That's your homework for next time."

* * *

Bella sat up with a scream. She was shivering, all her covers were on the floor, her forehead was cold and clammy from sweat. Her arm ached. Even though all the rest of her was cold, that scar burned like fire. It was like she just received the bite from James. Why was she constantly going back there? The memory wasn't even about Edward any longer. It was sheer torture, misery and terror. She knew James was gone, but he haunted her dreams. If she wasn't meeting Jake in her sleep, then she was facing death. She wished she had the little blue pills again, but a few things stuck with her from her chat with Leah and Dr. Hartz. Those things weren't going to help her in the long run and she didn't want Jacob to come home to some strung out junkie.

She got dropped off at school Friday morning, since she'd lost her truck again. Her father had little to say other than see you when the bell rings. Bella planned to actually stay at school that day, because she didn't have anything better to do, However, a run in with Lauren put her in a mood so she ended up ditching by fourth hour. She hitched a ride out to the res. She knew the old guy that searched for cans alongside the roads, he was harmless. He'd actually given her rides before. She went to her hollowed out tree. She checked the contents. The shirt never moved and the toy motorcycle didn't either. No idea, what she was always hoping to find there. She wished more than anything maybe one day, there'd be a sign or a message left by him. So far, it never happened.

Bella did a new round of exploration, but nothing turned up. She was left feeling discouraged and empty yet again. She itched for a distraction. Hanging out with Doug helped in only one way. She found out there were ways to cope during her worst moments. She dropped her backpack at the edge of the lake and had a seat next to the water. She dug to the bottom to locate her last pack of cigarettes. She promised herself she was never buying another. Smoking had never been such a great experience. She most definitely didn't look cool doing it, but she shelled out what little bit of money she had left from working, so no sense letting them go to waste. She was lost in thought watching the ripples of the water, not sure how many more days like this she could take.

The ground rustled behind her. Bella's thoughts always went to him whenever she encountered a noise in the woods. _Jake._

"Well, well, well. Looky what we have here... a trespasser."

Shit. One of the last people she wanted to run into.

Bella took the final drag off her second cigarette and stamped it out with her shoe in the dirt. Paul Lahote didn't take her silence as a hint to leave her alone. He just kept on talking, his voice grated on her last nerve, so she decided to chain smoke another which was definitely sure to make her feel sick later. If he didn't leave soon, she might end up finishing off the last five at once. Memories of vomiting the first night she smoked with Doug already churned her stomach and made a sour taste coat her tongue.

He surprised her by asking to bum one for himself. He covered his lips with one long finger. "Shhh, don't tell Rach." She handed him one and attempted to light hers but he had her flustered. She was such a novice, she still struggled with the Bic. He snatched her lighter and did the honors. "Or Sam now that I think of it, because he tells Emily everything and the news will still get back to Rachel."

Bella blew smoke in his face to finally shut him up. "No worries, because neither of those two come within a thousand feet of me. You're a grown man, why do you need to be a closeted smoker?"

"I'm not. It's just something Rachel knows I used to do it when I was out at the bars. She knows what those nights consisted of and doesn't want any reminders of the old me. I just felt nostalgic for a second seeing you here. Trust me, this is my last one... for all of time." She shrugged because clearly she couldn't care or less what Paul did. Rachel was a bitch to her, so his secret was clearly safe. "So what they say is true? Quiet, repressed Swan is a rebel now: smoking, drinking, pill popping. I even heard you're screwing that pothead French."

"Fuck you. That's a lie. I hate that asshole."

Paul bounced his hand up and down. "Calm down, jeez... it's just a rumor. What happened? I thought he was your only friend in the world. Sucks to be you, I guess." You can't even keep the criminal element in your circle."

"I don't want to talk about it. In fact, I don't want to speak to you about anything. Leave me the hell alone. Didn't Sam ban all of you from consorting with me? Seth saw me the other day and ran like hell in the other direction."

"Seth's still a pup and a pussy to boot. I can do whatever I want."

"Says the man that hides in the woods with the enemy to sneak a cigarette."

He finished his and tapped it out on a nearby rock. She was letting hers burn into a long cylinder of ash in between her finger. She actually never wanted another in the first place, but she was trying to act like a badass. It wasn't like Paul would ever think so or be intimidated by her in the least. He caught her off guard by snatching it away to finish it off himself. She was somewhat relieved, but tried to appear irritated.

"Asshole," she mumbled.

He eventually stood up and dusted off his jeans. "Well, it's been real as always, but I've got errands to run. Don't let Sam catch you out here."

Bella hated asking favors, "Um, wait Paul. Where exactly are you headed?"

"PA. I promised to do the shopping for Billy and Rach. She's cleaning the house today."

"Since you've already broken the rules, could I have a lift?"

"Is this blackmail?"

"Maybe, you owe me something for my silence."

"Fine, where you headed?"

"I don't know, any spot around Front St."

* * *

Bella followed Paul to where he parked his truck. Neither were conversationalist most of the way. It was shocking that he even spent any amount of time with her without calling her a bunch of rude names.

Finally, she broke the silence. "What's the deal with you and Rachel Black anyway? I thought Jake said you weren't one to settle down." He actually said much worse things about Paul but she kept that to herself.

"Well, I wasn't given much choice." She didn't understand that statement. Someone like him couldn't be ordered around unless it was a direct order from Sam. He smacked his own head, like he was knocking some sense in there, "Woah, that didn't come out right. Don't go repeating that or Rach will get the wrong idea. That's not what I meant exactly. She's great, actually. It's not like I'm not delirious happy with her, it's just a little warning or head's up would've been nice. Never even got one last hurrah. Damn shame, I bet I'm missed by many."

"I, literally have no idea what you're rambling on about."

"Damn, I thought Black spilled all our secrets to you."

"English, Paul. What are you talking about? Someone's making you be with Rachel. I call bullshit."

Paul asked her if she knew any of the details surrounding Leah, Sam, and Emily? She didn't know much. Charlie said once he thought Sam was Leah's boyfriend at one time, but she thought he was wrong because wasn't Emily related to Leah? She thought she was too nice to do something as twisted as steal a friend's boyfriend. Paul said they were first cousins... even worse. He continued to shock her by confirming Charlie was exactly right. He told her the entire story and he ended it with the word, "imprint."

She still wasn't sure what it all meant, but it was slowly sinking in. No wonder a womanizer like Paul suddenly was running around doing mundane errands like grocery shopping for a woman he just met. He imprinted, the wolf's way of finding a mate... the one true, perfect mate suited for them.

"Jake, did he?" She found herself hoping and dreading the answer.

"Nope, I told you it's rare."

Lucky for Bella, they were in Port Angeles by then. "Oh. Well, over there's fine." She pointed to a good spot to be let out. Truth was, Bella was feeling claustrophobic in Paul's truck. He slowly pulled to a stop near the curb where she asked to be dropped off, he looked back and forth between the water and her.

"Thanks Paul."

She started to exit the vehicle, but he had something on his mind, "You aren't going to plummet yourself off the pier or anything crazy, are you?"

Bella rolled her eyes back in her head, she didn't confirm or deny it, "Who would seriously miss me if I did? Bye," she slammed the door and started walking. His question actually got her to thinking. She walked up and down the street that bordered the water for a couple of hours. An internal debate went on in her mind. Maybe no one would actually care. Sure, her parents would grieve, but she was nothing but a pain in the ass to Charlie now and Bella barely spoke to Renee. Music from a nearby bar convinced her there were other ways to spend her evening than floating face down in the harbor. The water no longer called to her. In fact, it was the worst idea in history. Wanting to jump and drift away led to catastrophe the day she lost Jacob. Who's to say a passerby wouldn't spot her and try to be a hero? She had enough on her conscience as it was.

Bella dug deep into her bag and retrieved her fake ID. She swung the blacked out door open to the pub. She hadn't planned on being here when she asked Paul for a lift but maybe being numb for a few hours would help her forget her predicament for a little while longer. She had no idea, two sets of eyes watched her from opposite sides of the street. Neither party completely sure about what she was up to or what they intended to do about it.

 _ **~Thanks for reading.**_

 _ **I appreciate your patience as I work through this storyline. Huge surprises await next update. Guesses on who is watching Bella are encouraged.**_


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